Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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