if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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