I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
birth control should be required to get into college
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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