She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
