BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
50% drunk capacity currently
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
