I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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