Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
