I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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