im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I currently don't understand fingers.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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