Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So many bounce houses so little time
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
