I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
