So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
