life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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