you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
