you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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