I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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