I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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