my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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