If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
