Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
