So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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