I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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