I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
