I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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