I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
