i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
