White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
