They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
