just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
How does one acquire holy water?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
