I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
