Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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