You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize