Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
