I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
