I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
