Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
