so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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