3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
