"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
