My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
