I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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