Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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