Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
