That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I supernannyed him into submission
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
