Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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