Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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