i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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