A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
