I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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