Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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