I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize