her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
