She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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