my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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