I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
