My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
