Betty ford says i'm here all night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
