spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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