Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Is this like a preordered booty call?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
