I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
